美教授認為孩子越誇越糟糕

在朋友那看到一篇報導，剛好最近屢次接觸朋友家裡的小朋友，他們漂亮聰明、極度令人討喜，另一方面卻又調皮地難以管束，所以每每引發自己思考日後該對小孩如何教養。本以為愛的教育是無可避免的趨勢，但現在似乎得再重新思考與調整。不過，文中「以自我為中心，但是卻缺乏熱情、不能接受任何批評，也沒有信仰」，是不是在說我啊？奇怪，我可是從小被竹條、木棍打出來的呀...

中廣新聞網 2007/04/26 12:36 報導

美國人終於發現，孩子不能常誇獎，越誇越糟。

美國聖地牙哥州立大學一名叫「屯緻」的教授出了一本新書，探討現今美國年輕人為什麼有自信、有主見、有權威，卻一無是處。作者在書裡面說，他們用一種叫「自戀性格量表」研究了過去二十四年，一萬六千個大學生的反應。結果多數學生都深信「我很特別」、「要是我統治世界，世界會更好」這些說法。

(屯緻)教授說，美國從八零年代開始風起雲湧的「自尊運動」，造成了這一代美國年輕人有自信，以自我為中心，但是卻缺乏熱情、不能接受任何批評，也沒有信仰。

所以，他呼籲父母不要太常稱讚孩子，有時候挫挫孩子的氣焰也是好的。

Too much praise too young is not a good thing, say experts
By Hazel Parry Apr 26, 2007, 9:36 GMT

Hong Kong - You tell them they are beautiful, talented and special - and they believe it. But in the long term, compliments and encouragements could be damaging your children.

Researchers in the United States claim telling children they are special too often is creating a 'self-centred' generation, who are more likely to grow up into narcissistic people who suffer failed relationships, lack emotional warmth, react violently to criticism, lack empathy and commit infidelities.

The findings are by a group of American psychologists, led by Professor Jean Twenge of San Diego State University, who examined the responses of more 16,000 college students over the last 24 years using a survey called the Narcissistic Personality Inventory.

The inventory, used to assess narcissistic tendencies, asks them to respond to statements such as: 'I think I am a special person' and 'If I ruled the world, it would be a better place.'

Students today emerged higher on the narcissistic scale with 30 per cent more scoring above average than those in 1982, they found.

Children nowadays were more self-centred than previous generations and blamed it on the rise of the 'self-esteem movement' in the 1980s when its importance was championed by parents and child-carers, the researchers said.

They pointed to MySpace and YouTube saying such websites, which encouraged 'attention-seeking', showed the trend for narcissisms and in fact fuelled it.

Professor Twenge, author of the book, Generation Me: Why Today's Young Americans Are More Confident, Assertive, Entitled - And More Miserable Than Ever Before, said it was time to stop telling kids 'they're special' or that they can do or be anything and instead help them set more realistic goals in life.

But the consequences of the other extreme - not enough praise, appreciation and encouragement - can be equally, if not more, damaging. Research says people with low self-esteem are more at risk of destructive behaviour including alcohol and drug abuse, violence and crime.

According to Hong Kong mother and author Shirley Yuen, children with low self-esteem will lack the self-confidence they need to succeed in life.

'They will either turn out to be timid and fearful because they think that they are not good enough to survive in this world, or they will be self-centred and arrogant because they want to cover their fear by barking around,'she said.

Yuen, the author of The Three Virtues of Effective Parenting, believes that a narcissistic generation as outlined by the US researchers is not something Asians particularly Hong Kong Chinese have to worry about. Instead, she says in general the opposite is true with many parents suppressing a child's self-esteem development.

'They do this for three reasons,' said Yuen. 'First, they are afraid that if they allow themselves to build the self-esteem of their children, their children will have 'a mind of their own', which will intimidate their authority as parents.

'Second, they are afraid that once a child has high self-esteem, he or she will not be 'humble,' which according to Chinese culture is an important virtue. Thirdly, Chinese parents tend to focus much more on the 'negative' side of their children than their 'positive' side.'

Leung Li Chi-mei, principal coordinator of Hong Kong Christian Service Family Networks, agrees, pointing to a recent study by the network which found that 30 per cent of 845 pupils aged eight to 11 interviewed had felt hurt and upset by 'negative' comments by parents.

They included 'you're useless,' 'stupid' and very harsh threats such as 'I'll beat you' and 'go away and die' - all the type of comments to encourage low self-esteem.

Where does this leave parents? Praise too much and they risk raising self-centred narcissistic children. Praise too little and their children could develop low self-esteem and become more at risk of drug addiction, abuse and other social ills.

At the end of the day, it's all about striking the right balance. Parents need to be praise more, says Leung but quality not quantity which counts.

'I think the real meaning of having a healthy self-esteem is that we can look at ourselves in a more appropriate and reasonable way. It is a process of self-evaluation, a very balanced self-evaluation in which we can recognise our strengths, limitation and weaknesses,' said Leung.

'If we over-appreciate, overcompliment children, we risk making them becoming self-centred. Instead, we should be helping them see and accept their limitation and find some ways to improve themselves and set realistic goals. Self-esteem is okay, but push it the wrong way and it can be harmful.'

Shirley Yuen says the key is teaching children benevolence and to see the world from other perspectives. Professor Twenge agrees, saying building 'empty self-esteem and narcissism' lacking in empathy is the problem.

'Although it's great for kids to aim high, parents and teachers should make sure that kids set realistic goals,'says Twenge on the San Diego State University website.

'Help them develop the talents they do have, while gently helping them realize that most people do not become famous or rich. It's possible to encourage kids without telling them that they can do or be anything.'